Change is the Rule, Adaptability is a Choice

Would you dip your hand in a completely opaque box without knowing what’s in it?

Would you try some outlandish food item without attempting to find out what its ingredients are?

Would you mind taking your evening stroll around an unknown part of the city?

Chances are that you won’t spontaneously show an excited head nodding agreement to engage in these activities. This is because most of us Fear the Unknown. In the mildest of its forms, fear of the unknown is our hesitance to try something new, something different, or something that has CHANGED. Evolutionarily, fearing the unknown helped our ancestors survive the rough realities sprinkled in their way by Mother Nature. By being apprehensively skeptical about attractive yet untried fruits/ roots or by treading extremely carefully and in groups in untouched habitats, they saved themselves from falling into traps or getting poisoned. Thus, this fear is somewhat passed as a part of our genetic heritage and becomes activated in varying forms and degrees even today, given particular circumstances. The most common way in which this hesitance manifests itself is in the face of an impending change or transition.

Change is the only constant— everyone seems to be bringing up this philosophical axiom all the time, right? But, does portraying this idea as a “normal aspect of daily living” make it any less discomforting? Sadly, no. Sometimes, change may seem to be appealing and worth trying. Nevertheless, it requires us to step outside our comfort zone which essentially fluctuates our motivation and frustration levels while pursuing this new path. For instance, most of us as children were super excited to switch from using pencils to pens. However, changing the way we grip the pen, the amount of pressure we need to apply for smooth flowing ink and, of course, the obvious change in handwriting was a nightmare that most of us must have had to endure.

Thus, we are all surrounded by changing realities in all spheres and at all ages—whether for good or for the worst. How can we adapt to change so as to ease our way through this process?

1.  Expect discomfort but don’t lose sight of the exhilaration waiting at the end: Knowing and imagining what one is likely to encounter given our past experience with change can prevent us from painting an unrealistically rosy picture of this process. Plus, expecting that there will be a difficult period even though not knowing exactly what it will entail, helps to reduce the uncertainty levels and allows us to exercise some control over our situation, thereby, directly influencing our perceived fear of the unknown. It is important to place ourselves in the centre of this whole dynamic and realize a position of active power than passive helplessness. Although “expecting discomfort” might inculcate a slightly pessimistic outlook; this can be counterbalanced by a positive belief that once the change (irrespective of it being good or bad) has occurred and dealt with it will bring an exhilarating moment of peace.  Why? Just because the process is over and done with!

2. Refrain from cementing the change into a “new old”: What makes change overwhelming is our tendency to settle so comfortably in previously occurred changes that make them seem like they have always existed as it is. For instance, when we move from school to college, we form a new circle of friends and acquaintances. This requires quite a lot of effort, investment and adjustment. Still, when we are to move from college to work, the same anxiety of meeting and making new acquaintances seems burdening once more because we have too easily cemented our college friendships into a “new old of our social circles”. Rather, being aware that a tweaked routine is in fact tweaked will serve as a reminder that other lifestyle changes will occur and we’ll have to accept and adapt to them as well. Thus, always carry the nostalgia of that rigorous reshaping process you had to undergo before landing up with a great bunch of people who helped you survive college! Key Takeaway: Openness to experience helps facing changes head strong.

3. Don’t just think, do: You’re going to be a first time parent? Read a book on parenting. Moving to a new city? Look up the internet for various amenities available in the vicinity of your new home. Have the college prom to go to while your dancing skills suck? Take a few classes. Sometimes when changes come well announced, the best way to prevent ourselves from bouncing off the wrong foot is to prepare for them in small yet concrete, action-oriented ways than simply building castles in the air.

4. I choose future: What to do when changes are impromptu in nature? Well, for starters, don’t think about “What you’d done to deserve such unpleasantness?” Bad things happen to good people and that’s a reality check we must all maintain. Instead, a study has found that individuals who cope well with change are those who think about what can be done now and in future given that the change has already occurred than expending all their energy only in tracing “meaningful causes” from the past that help explain their dire circumstances. This is called showing existential courage. 

5. Slowing down doesn’t equate to failure: At the heart of our fear of the unknown is our fear of failing at this new thing that life has thrown at us. And when does this sinking feeling of failure start setting in? When we are seemingly stagnant, getting nowhere, just watching things as they go haywire. Yes, your performance charts may show dipped ratings. Yes, you may not meet your self- expectations. But guess what? IT’S OKAY. Reiterating a recent and relevant example from my life itself, I’ve been unable to put up blog post for the last month or so because of the transformation that my schedule went through as I moved from graduation to post graduation. This was a personal failure to me at some level. Weekly submission deadlines, power packed lecture schedules with bulks of information to consume, group projects, 3 hour daily commute, earlier than expected semester-end examinations and many other changes had pushed me over the edge in the days I took a hiatus from blogging. It was overwhelming. It was new. I may even venture to say that, “It was CRAZY.” Every week I wanted to pick up my laptop and start penning down some ideas for a new post. But somewhere deep within I knew that it wasn’t going to happen. And once I had this acceptance at a conscious level, it was easier for me to settle down to face the challenges one at a time—slow at pace, strong willed at heart.

Hence, concluding with a beautiful quote by Fred Emery, “Instead of constantly adapting to change, why not change to be adaptive?”

Absentmindedness Explained

Want to read some “funnily relatable” stories?

⮚A few years ago, I accidentally kept my phone in the refrigerator and had a hell of a time searching for it in my whole house later! Checking the refrigerator was of course the last thought on my mind. Because, who in their right senses would keep their phone in the refrigerator in the first place?

⮚I am routinely yelled at by my mother for forgetting to fetch something she asked for on my way home from college. She must have literally called when I was some 3 stations away and the request has already slipped my mind by the time I reach my stop. My mother, however, has come up with a smart idea for ensuring that I do my job. Say, what? Stay tuned till the end to find out THE ULTIMATE TRICK!

⮚The other day, I walked into the kitchen wanting to get myself a glass of water. Strangely, when I lifted my eyes off the mobile screen, I couldn’t remember why I was there. So then I strutted back into the living room and suddenly the purpose of standing dumbfounded in the kitchen hit me.

I can only expect these embarrassing stories to bring a knowing smile on most of your faces. Yes, all of us have ‘been there, done that’ in our own little versions of ABSENTMINDEDNESS. To define this term in the words of psychologist Daniel Schacter would be to call it an error arising due to break down of communication between our attention and memory systems. More simply put, lapses of attention and forgetting to do things is what we call being absentminded. Although, absentmindedness can be a major indicator of various psychological disorders like depression, post traumatic stress disorder, etc., very often absentmindedness is what normal individuals experience to a more or less degree on a daily basis.

Causes of Absentmindedness:

In the aftermath of a blind struggle for restoring my vision after forgetting where I kept my glasses, I often wonder: WHAT MAKES ME SO ABSENTMINDED?

Depth of processing researchers Craik and Tulving have a simple explanation to offer. In their experiments, Craik and Tulving (1975) presented their participants with words and asked them any one of the following questions relating to that word. Suppose the word is “blue”, the questions that could be asked are:

1.  Is the word written in capital letters?
2.   Does the word rhyme with “flew”?
3.   Is the word a kind of color?

The first question requires shallow processing of the word as your answer is dependent on the meaningless analysis of physical characteristics. The second question demands moderate processing of the word which requires us to mentally pronounce blue and flew to detect acoustic similarity. This comparing task is slightly meaningful. The last question entails the deepest level of processing as it appeals us to use our cognitive resources to recall the word’s meaning and decide whether it fits in the category of colors. On a later recall test of these words, participants were more likely to report words to which they answered type 3 questions than otherwise. Thus, the deeper level at which information is processed, the better it is remembered.

What happens when we are absentminded is that we process information around us, even the actions we ourselves are performing, at a very shallow level. Thus, as the information isn’t recorded properly in the first place, its retrieval at a later point in time is also disrupted.

Another explanation for absentmindedness comes from The Invisible Gorilla Experiment by D.J. Simons. Some of you must have watched this video (others, can follow the link) where you’re asked to count the number of passes a group of basketball players make while a gorilla costume clad person occupies the screen space for almost 5 seconds. Having read this description, you may think that if you were to be asked whether you saw “something unusual” while being absorbed in the task you were instructed to hyper focus on, you would still be able to point out the obvious presence of the gorilla. However, research findings show that most of us would in fact exhibit inattentional blindness to the presence of the gorilla because we tend to notice unexpected stimuli only when it fits with other stimuli in the scene. So, I failed to notice keeping my phone in the refrigerator because it was an unusual place to keep one and it obviously doesn’t share any similarities with the things I typically store in my refrigerator.

A retrieval cue is something that helps you bring to mind previously stored information. However, absentminded forgetting occurs when you fail to notice this cue or have too many memories associated with the same cue. For instance, it is quite possible that I forgot why I walked into the kitchen because I didn’t look at the water bottles (cue) lined at the end of the kitchen platform. Or, I forgot to fetch milk on my way back home because the shop I had to buy it from isn’t a distinctive cue, rather is a simultaneous reminder of the fact that my friend lives in the apartment above, I quarreled with the shopkeeper once, I ran into an acquaintance at the shop the other day, etc.

Tips and Tricks to deal with Absentmindedness:

         1. Provide yourself with rich details about what you have to remember. For instance, if my mother has asked me to pick groceries on my way back home, I am likely to remember performing this chore if I put some thought into deciding where exactly I am going to shop and which route I should take to reach that store.

         

     2. Use events rather than time as a cue. This is so because time based cues (e.g. “call Mom at 11 a.m.”) are isolated and easily forgotten if you lose a track of time. Instead, associating events can have the domino effect. So, if you make a mental note of “calling your mother after washing dishes” then your performance of one task will invariably remind you of performing the following task.

    

          3. Habituate yourself into keeping certain things always in the same place. For instance, ALWAYS hang your car keys on the key chain stand when you enter your house. Chances are that you’ll find them on the stand even when you can’t recall putting them there in the first place.

          4. My mother is my accountability buddy. She ensures leaving me a Whatsapp text within 15 minutes from hanging up to ensure that I have done my job. Having someone to report to or maintaining a checklist in plain sight (e.g. on your car dashboard v/s the glove box) goes a long way in reducing absentmindedness.

  

     5. Wondering why I remembered that I was thirsty when I returned to the living room? Because our memory is quite context dependent i.e. things in our environment which we haven’t consciously decided to focus on can serve as retrieval cues. Thus, to remember something you’ve forgotten, try going back to or visualize the context in which you were thinking about it in the first place.

Ordinary humans have limited attention spans and memory storage capacity. THE ULTIMATE TRICK to reduce absentmindedness is simply to work on tactfully allocating these cognitive resources to our advantage.

Are babies always bundles of joy? : Postpartum Depression

     ⮚She exhibits a depressed mood most of the day—her sense of being sunk in an ocean of sadness.

        ⮚She seems uninterested in everyday activities from which she earlier derived pleasure.

     ⮚She eats too much or too little—her appetite has gone haywire.

     ⮚She sleeps too much or too little—her good night’s sleep has become a distant dream.

     ⮚She moves around lethargically, almost dragging herself to get things done…or conversely, she is agitated in all that she does.

     ⮚She feels worthless. She feels guilty.

     ⮚She can’t get herself to concentrate or decide on the tasks she is passively performing.

        ⮚She maybe thinks, maybe plans, maybe attempts committing suicide.

     ⮚She doesn’t use any substances. She can’t place a finger on any medical condition that is causing her such distress and impairment of functioning.

Yet, here she is with her baby in her hands. The beautiful baby she’s been awaiting. Or, at least she should be awaiting the baby? She doesn’t feel any motherly feelings that she should be feeling. Or, should she be feeling them automatically at all?

The answer varies. Some of us gloriously bask in the post pregnancy glow despite hours of painful labor and impending sleepless nights. Some of us don’t. For those who do, KUDOS! However, for those who don’t react this way; let’s not make them feel ‘sidelined, abnormal and stigmatized’.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental disorders (DSM-5) is published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) for the purpose of helping mental health professionals around the world diagnose and treat persons with mental health issues. Although popularly referred to as Postpartum Depression (PPD), in the scientific terminology used by DSM-5 the above mentioned pointers are symptoms of a condition called Major Depressive Episode with Peripartum Onset. The same checklist of symptoms is also used to detect the presence of Clinical Depression. However, the signifier of Peripartum Onset is used when the individual starts showing at least 5 of the given symptoms(including at least one of the first two) anytime between the 9 months of pregnancy to 4 weeks from delivery of their infant. This means that the symptoms exist primarily due to the presence of a newborn child and the kind of life changes this entails.

Risk Factors contributing to PPD

Motherhood is universal and so are the problems accompanying it. This is to say, any woman can suffer from Postpartum Depression.

If we were to reinterpret all the symptoms from the perspective of a newborn mother, we could say that the pervasive sadness primarily emerges from the sudden drop to normalcy of hormones like progesterone and estrogen that phenomenally rise during the pregnancy period. While this is often responsible for what we call "baby blues" i.e. a shorter, less intense period of depressed mood found in a majority of new mothers; why it leads to PPD in some women and not others is a little unclear. Further, looking after a helplessly dependent baby is a demanding job in itself because of which the mummy often overlooks the nutritional requirements of her tummy. Having a fussy baby that is difficult to put to sleep negatively impacts the mother’s sleeping cycle. And mind it; sleep deprivation can be a serious physiological contributor to PPD.

The needs of the baby start having an upper hand over needs of the self. There is a huge curtailment in the kind of freedom young parents enjoy before childbirth. A lot of responsibility is now placed on their shoulders. The kind of reorganization in life and roles that the entry of a child brings in is unfathomable, even if the pregnancy was a planned one. So imagine; when the pregnancy is unplanned or imposes the requirement of upbringing the child singlehandedly due to divorce/separation/ death of spouse, wouldn’t the struggles multiply manifold? Also, experiencing birth complications in the present pregnancy, miscarriages in the earlier ones or PPD following previous childbirths may heighten the risk of developing this disorder. Over and over again, it is also said that a prior history of depressive disorders experienced firsthand or by a family member can predispose individuals to PPD.

Naturally, suffering from postpartum depression takes away the ability of a parent to provide fully for the child. The mothers in such a predicament often fail to feel ‘motherly enough’ —i.e. they can’t establish an instant connect with the tiny human that they so preciously created. This leaves them feeling confused, worthless and guilty because they see themselves as being a ‘bad mother’ who doesn’t fit the conventional image of a nurturing primary care giver.

An important point to note down here is that PPD majorly affects women but it doesn’t spare men in some cases either. Motherhood is difficult and so is fatherhood. Men are socialized to not give in to emotional pressures but a life altering event such as having a baby can crush their emotional fences down. Sometimes the father may be an alone sufferer of PPD for reasons that are similar to those mentioned above while many other times, the combined demands of a babbling baby and a seemingly unsupportive partner suffering from PPD can push men over the edge.

What PPD is not

Many women willingly stay away or are forcefully made to stay away from their children if they openly express their depressive thoughts because they are by default seen as being dangerous to their own child. This error in judgment is a result of misinformed media reports regarding ‘women who killed their children while experiencing a bout of postpartum depression.’ However, women who commit such deeds are plagued by postpartum psychosis which is a different and rare disorder wherein individuals experience distorted reality and come to be guided by their delusions that might precipitate them to commit infanticide.

What can you do?

One thing that is clear by now is that postpartum depression is not something that individuals call 

upon themselves by choice. So,

          1. Break the stigma: It’s time to stop constructing a socially validated image of a flawless mother which we knowingly or unknowingly force women to pit themselves against. Let every woman be ‘her kind of mother’.

       

      2. Accept: It’s time to embrace the idea that men have emotional insecurities surrounding childbirth too.

      3. Let’s talk: It’s time to provide an open and safe space where parents can express their frightening PPD-related thoughts. And let this space not only be a therapist’s room but also any and every place of social meeting: homes, playgrounds, workplaces, train bogeys. Let this be a topic as natural to talk about as child birth is.

      4. Be equals: It’s time to start supporting your PPD-affected partner and take equal work load for all the chores related to home, work and the baby. Don’t underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep. Make sure each of you get at least one block of uninterrupted sleep that helps you wake up fresh.

     5. Seek professional help: It’s time for us to realize that unlike baby blues, postpartum depression isn’t soothed only by comforting words. It will require a combination of medications and psychotherapy for social support to show its full impact.

     

     It’s time to help PPD struck parents unleash their bundle of joy.

The Psychology of Mob Lynching

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September 28, 2015: Mohammed Akhlaq (52), Dadri, Uttar Pradesh.

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April 1, 2017: Pehlu Khan (55), Alwar, Rajasthan.

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June 22, 2017: Junaid Khan (15), Ballabhghar district, Haryana.

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June 8, 2018: Nilotpal Das (29) and Abhijit Nath (30), Karbi Anglong, Assam.

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July 1, 2018: Dadarao Shankarao Bhosale (36), Bharat Bhosale (45), Bharat Malve (45), Aagnu Srimant Ingole (20) and Raju Bhosale (47), Dhule, Maharashtra.

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July 13, 2018: Mohammad Azam Usmansab (32), Bidar, Karnataka.

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This list of mob lynching cases in our democracy-turning-into-mobocracy has an indefinite start, middle and end. Common justifications cited for such animalistic behavior are cow vigilantism, suspicions of child-lifting, theft and cultural practices.

What is mob lynching?

Mob lynching is when a group of people take the law in their hands to “righteously” punish an offender whom their collective mentality has already deemed to be guilty of committing a crime without looking for actual proof that would support their suspicious beliefs. This punishment comes in the form of thrashing with sticks to pelting with stones to parading the victims naked to ultimately beating them down to death by the bare-hands power of a large-numbered, anonymous vigilante group. This group feels insecure, averted and threatened by skullcaps, caste status, mental health condition or simply the looks of victims who are largely perceived to be out-group members.

Triggering point: The Rumor Mill

In a majority of mob violence cases in 2018, it has been found that rumors of child-lifters being out there to grab your tiny tots off the streets were making rounds of our beloved social media apps before a lynching occurred. What we know yet ignore is that manipulating information in today’s day and age is a pretty easy job. Videos of past unrelated instances with blurred faces and changed time stamp can make a very convincing show of how a random Sharmaji’s daughter from 2 blocks away recently got kidnapped by strange men offering her toffee and stuffing her in the back of an Omni.

Rumors that provide characteristic details (even false ones) and appeal to our deep seated fears are the ones that don’t die easily. For example: we all share the collective anxiety about the safety of our children. Moreover, a negative fictitious tale like that of a theft at nearby shop is bound to have a wider reach than a positive one because evolutionarily it makes sense to spread the word about where danger lies to ensure survival of our in-group. Moreover, we are biased towards readily accepting unverified data that confirms our preexisting biases. Thus, in India where the Hindu-Muslim tiffs are frequent, politically motivated and traceable to the bloody times of partition, it is easy to paint a skullcap bearing trader with cattle to be a cow slaughterer. Also, we need to understand that very often rumors are simply a means of trying to make sense of the world around us. So, even if you’re simply asking others if a particular rumor is true or not, you’re first propagating and then negating it. However, this is simply yet another time that your brain and that of the receiver are hearing the same piece of disputed information and more the number of times you hear the same thing, the more credible it seems to be. Thus, it doesn’t really matter if messages regarding a “dangerous mentally unstable woman” patrolling the streets come from an influential and responsible leader or not. All that matters is that there are enough gullible individuals willing to spread this message as a “heads up”.

Why do myths survive? Because they’ve been around for so long that it is difficult to refute them completely, especially when the image they provoke in our minds is simplistic and easy to imagine. Let’s consider the xopadhora myth prevailing across the Assamese society to prevent children from interacting with dangerous strangers. Xopadhora is always a male, who doesn’t belong to the Assamese community, has long hair, carries a jhola (bag) and kidnaps children. No wonder, the lynched Sikh men whose turbans were thrown off by the raging mob in Kamrup near Guwahati to expose their long hair and outside community status made them candidates fit for being xopadhora.

At the scene: What assembles the mob

When a group of complete strangers descend upon mob lynching victims in a formidable wave, a question that arises in our minds is: What brings them together?

1.  Emotional contagion: When a child in the infirmary cries, all other babies in the ward break out into unrelenting wailing. When a stranger smiles at you from across the street, you automatically smile back, with or without questioning yourself later about why you did so. This tendency to mimic the emotions reflected in the facial expression of our fellow beings is called Emotional Contagion (EC). Evolutionary psychology says that EC was essential to our ancestors especially at a time when

language didn’t exist to communicate pain, fear and disgust brought about by the presence of a predator.

Thus, when you see a bunch of people gathered in a tense and aggressive stance, the negative vibe literally catches up to you, putting you in a similar state of mind, thereby, making you willing to join their uninformed charade. Research shows that a 5% minority sway the direction of action of the remaining 95% people in a crowd. This is how a small group that was brought together initially to test a rumor turns into an emotionally charged mob of 30-40 unrelated individuals.

2.  Herd mentality and Groupthink: As mentioned in my article on Bystanders Effect, we find security in numbers. So if a large number of people are engaged in lynching a suspicious individual, it automatically seems like the right thing to do even if on a personal level you’re a very calm person. This is called herd mentality. In a group, it is difficult to know who opened the attack and who made the killing strike. Thus, herd mentality essentially ropes us in through the process of deindividuation whereby individuals who join the herd lose their self-awareness and individuality as they become an anonymous body part of the large group that is almost like an organism with a mind of its own. Herd mentality is then sustained through the process of groupthink. In a mass that is bound by the thread of shared emotions, groupthink ensures that all members support group decision strongly and reject any contrary information (such as the begging pleas of the victims) that may cast a doubt on their decision.

3.  Managing cognitive dissonance: According to psychologist Leon Festinger, cognitive dissonance is a situation where there is an unpleasant disharmony between our thoughts and actions. Once the high of shared emotion drains, rationality and guilt catches up the members of a lynch mob. However, by then it is too late to reverse the done deed. Thus, to remedy their mental discomfort, these members often try to change the way in which they perceive their actions (e.g. they may see their vigilante actions as a necessary evil to keep prospective criminals in line). In a way, then you’re normalizing dehumanization thereby paving way for the repetition of same in future.

4.  News processing at an unconscious level:  People do both what is socially approved (i.e. follow injunctive norms) as well as what is popular (i.e. descriptive norms). Time and again, instruments of news transmission provide statistics for mob violence and other crimes to point out how regrettably often they occur. However, at an unconscious level, our mind confuses such information as being approved because it is popular. This is highlighted in Robert Cialdini’s research work, where he says:

Although these claims may be both true and well intentioned...Within the statement “Many people are doing this undesirable thing” lurks the powerful and undercutting normative message “Many people are doing this.”

“United we stand, Divided we fall.” Never thought that this unity could have a negative connotation too? It is indeed time to reexamine our collective mentality.

School Uniforms Revisited

The only school uniform that was cool

 Having studied at a convent school for the 10 formative years of my life, I can confirm one assumption that most people have about us: WE’RE PRETTY UPTIGHT. Sufficiently oiled, neatly braided, black ribboned, cotton hair-band held hair; striped ankle-length socks in  buckled leather shoes and a blue pinafore plus collar buttoned-shirt (minus the tie because they have become ‘dangerous’ these days) were very much a part of my school uniform. Oh, and uniform didn’t just come with an impeccably long list of do’s but also an equally large numbers of don’ts. For instance: no piercings, no hair color,  no fancy hairstyles, no wrist watch, no long/painted nails, no makeup (not even the lip balm!), no henna-decorated palms, no flashy jewellery, no, no, NO!

However, what I also remember from these days of draconian rule is how I had my ears pierced thrice because each time I got it done, some teacher would catch hold of me and have the small, simple looking diamond stud adorning the ‘unconventional’ part of my upper earlobe removed.

The unreasonable, imposing authority of school management versus rebellion of the free-spirited, young minds: isn’t this the classic battle that most of us faced during the good old school days? This is particularly true when uniforms coincide with teenage.

According to psychologist Erik Erikson’s 8 stage theory of psychosocial development, adolescence is the time period in which most of us experience identity crisis—we want to find out who we truly are as an individual and announce it to the world. One important means through which we express ourselves to others is through clothing; after all, we are what we wear! Although not the Holy Grail of identity establishment, my attire can speak a million stories. It is a powerful means of stating the beliefs I uphold, the social groups I belong to, the goals I’ve set for myself, the interests I would like to pursue, the economic background I come from—in short, it says WHO I AM: introverted, extroverted, artistic, entrepreneurial, athletic, nerd, jock, fashionista or any of the innumerable adjectives I relate to! And school uniforms suppress this avenue of self expression.

A newspaper clipping from DNA dated 05/07/18.
The diktat was withdrawn a day after it was slammed across media.

Recently, MIT associated Vishwashanti Gurukul School of Pune, India issued guidelines asking its female students to wear only beige or white innerwear so that they don’t become a target of the school boys’ unsavory comments. This being outrageous and incorrect at several levels, also shows how restrained self expression can sometimes escalate to invasion of privacy in the name of school uniform.

It is often held that school uniforms instill a sense of professionalism and are meant to teach dressing etiquettes to children. However, a counter question that I raise is, can’t we learn this through trial and error as well? One might argue that there are other arenas outside the school where we are free to dress as we will. But, stop. Take a step back to reflect on how far that is true. We are first babied by our parents, then by our uniforms, later by the “everything, but...” of colleges and finally by the work-place-work-wear rules. Amidst all this, you may point out that you can still choose your outfit in your personal time in personal space.

However,

☝Question 1: Don’t we spend maximum time of our day moving through these dress-coded spaces?

✌Question 2: Isn’t our attire in public spaces too governed by unspoken cultural rules? For instance, how many heads turn around when we girls step out wearing shorts on a normal sunny day?

👌Question 3: Then, where is the choice really?

In one chapter of her book ‘The Art of Choosing’, Sheena Iyenger reiterates the story of her husband to underscore how we are all wary of being copycats. In 2009 when Apple released its iPhone 3, the whole of America was lined outside the official stores to buy this piece of brilliant technology. Her husband was hell bent on buying the black model because it would get less dirty but ended up buying the white one at the last minute. Why? All the people he knew were going to buy the black one and so he couldn’t simply be a copycat, even if it meant doing away with the utility purpose of the purchased product! Our instinct of being uniquely different from others is inherent. Relating this to our topic at hand, don’t you think that when schools force us to become a part of the homogenous blob of blue/red uniforms, they unknowingly appeal to our aversion to this copycat culture thereby defeating the utilitarian purpose of uniforms to bring in equality?

A strong argument on the pro-uniform side is that uniforms help sow school-pride and neatly erase the rich-poor divide. They essentially aim to create impartial school climate and prevent unnecessary distraction during the learning process. However, some psychologists are worried that school uniforms might lead to in-group favoritism. That is to say, while school uniforms may foster a sense of belongingness on the school grounds, they might lead to rivalry with students clad in other school uniforms who might be perceived as outsiders. Thus, we are to question whether the idea of creating an equally accepting atmosphere is to be limited within school premises only or are students to be taught to carry this ideal to the outside world too?

Also, we need to understand the difference between being authoritarian and authoritative. Authoritarian is when discipline is achieved through power and coercion that demands blind obedience whereas authoritative is when discipline is achieved through consistently strict acts with their purpose being explained. Most often than not, the school uniform policies tend to be authoritarian than otherwise. The problematic tussles surrounding this issue stem more from the teacher-student conflicts that ensue from teachers constantly policing stray hair surrounding the face and uniform hem not reaching the knees than from being asked to wear the uniform itself.

We like to believe that all of this ultimately affects students at a psychological level whereby they helplessly learn to hang their heads low into a “yes-ma’am” culture, suffer a blow at their self-confidence, stifle their uniqueness, simply follow the herd and over-conform. However, there is no concrete research evidence to support the same yet.

Besides, even though freedom of expression comes with its shining appeal, we need to understand that when you choose to wear ripped jeans to school because it signifies that you’re in your own skin, you can become a target of judgment and wrath of others. Very often in schools that are dress code-free, children are known to be bullied for how they look. You’re expected to meet the trending fashion norms irrespective of your comfort and preferences. Barack Obama has confessed to having a wardrobe full of gray and blue suits only so that he doesn’t have to spend time deciding what to wear. Research shows that making such trivial day to day decisions can also degrade our capacity to make bigger, important decisions.  Then again, we are forced to question, aren’t we better off in uniforms itself? In uniforms, you’re taught to value what is on the inside than on the outside. But the sad truth is that we are never fully accepted for the talents and beliefs that define our inner sense of being either.

Where does that leave us with the issue of uniforms? According to me, we are caught in a circular debate about whether school uniforms are good or bad without a definitive end.

What is YOUR say?

Work-Life Imbalance: Causes and Solutions

Most of us roughly make such to-do lists either physically or mentally. We plan ahead. We strive really hard to squeeze self, family and work within the seemingly short 24 hours that we have. Yet, most of the time these lists are crushed up into a ball and find their way into the bin. Compartmentalizing work and personal life is a far cry from reality. The spillover hypothesis in the field of industrial psychology states that life satisfaction and job satisfaction are positively correlated. Thus, if you have a happy personal life then you’re likely to have a happy work life. Or, if you have a disappointing work life, the stress is bound to affect your home affairs as well. 

It is important to understand that work-life balance doesn’t imply separating the two important spheres of your life in airtight compartments. At the same time, work-life balance doesn’t refer to your “brilliant” ability to multitask between the two. Research has shown that multitaskers are neither productive nor efficient. In the same chain of thought, work-life balance isn’t about giving these two spheres equal importance and space in your life. Instead, work-life balance is when you are able to devote yourself at a personally meaningful level to both the spheres such that it contributes to your physical and emotional well-being.

However, many internal and external forces hinder us from exploring, achieving and maintaining this self-designated level of balance. In today’s competitive world, you have to be out there to pitch in your ideas before someone else does. Just a 5 minute delay in delivering a hard copy of your proposed plan and someone else might have already shot a similar idea through email. Thus, as much ease technology has brought into the work place, the same amount of pressure it has exerted on our personal space. In a bid to be on the top of our race, we tend to knowingly or unknowingly carry the baggage of work to family dinners. Similarly, although your weekend plans with friends can be easily made via tiny texts on your phone screen during work hours, it takes away your ability to fully concentrate on the computer screen inside your workplace cubicle.  We are curious creatures who are rewarded with a kick of the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine each time we satisfy our curiosity. Thus, we are neurologically rewarded to check our 'curiosity-producing-phone-notifications' but end up compromising work productivity/ familial bliss. 

Another deterrent to balanced living is unsupportive workplace policies. Although research shows that flexible work hours instead of the mandatory 9 to 5 schedule increase productivity and employee satisfaction, most of the workplaces don’t offer such independence. Majority of the managers still follow the redundant Theory X i.e. they view the workforce as being lazy and unreliable unless kept under constant surveillance and pressurized to be otherwise. However, such entrapment in the classic struggle of finances v/s familial, health and recreational needs leads to frustration and helplessness become their second nature.

Examining the effects of an overwhelming home environment, research shows that this tension is greater for those with many children, younger children, caretaking responsibilities of elderly parents, unsupportive family or marital strife. Also, pessimism, introversion and lack of initiative are important personality-based contributors to work-life tussle.

How to strike the work-life balance under such circumstances?

1.   Become Aware and Take Charge: Actively decide how much of work you’ll take home and how much of home you’ll take to work. Find out which mix of self, family and work suits you best. Maintain a temporary journal of how you spend your day for at least a week. Over the weekend, sit down with an open mind to confront yourself over how you’re wasting time that can be otherwise fruitfully used. Try placing a finger on triggers of dissatisfaction. Consider your alternatives and manage your emotions accordingly. For example, you’re into the habit of taking an hour long lunch break irrespective of workload which eventually results in holding you back on that office chair way past 8 o’clock in the evening. The peak hour train rush is something that then frustrates you and makes you cranky back at home.  All this time you’ve been blaming your boss for dumping extra work on you.  But the reflective weekend may propel you to take a shorter lunch break and utilize the train time listening to some soothing music. This is a problem focused coping method. Alternatively, if you love your lunch break dearly, then an emotion focused coping method you can try is to own up the responsibility for working overtime and see it as a choice that YOU ARE making and not someone else.

2. Say No: Enlist all the things you expect doing in a day and set them in their descending level of importance. You may realize that certain priorities are constantly pinned to the top of that list and when time comes to compromise on them, you are distressed. These are the priorities that are non-negotiable. If picking up your toddler from kindergarten at the end of the day is excessively gratifying for you then don’t take up a job that doesn’t allow you that kind of freedom. Certain non-negotiables should be organized around the needs of other people. Turn off social media notifications when at work and attach a ‘no-call unless emergency’ message at the end of your official emails when off on a family vacation. With time, we ourselves and those around us will fall in place with the structure that these non-negotiables introduce in our life.

3.   Mindful Timeouts: Everyone tells us to give our fullest potential to work. But we often fail to remind ourselves to not feel guilty when we take a break. We are humans, not machines. If our brain sincerely is at work for 1 hour then it deserves a 5 minute ‘me time’. However, when we take this break, we are physically scrolling through social media or chatting with a coworker but mentally we are fretting over how we have so much work to do. Thus, mentally you’re never ‘on a break’ and so each time you will return to work with diminished motivation and productivity. Don’t do that.

Thus, there are many ways in which we can try to create work-life balance at a personal level even if company policies don’t favor it. However, it is important to realize that sometimes imbalance is inescapable. Sad but true, it is increasingly becoming okay to disrupt personal life over work life but not vice versa. When you can’t make both the ends meet, quit being a superhero and learn to delegate your responsibilities. You’re not ‘lazy’ if you ask your brother to get the bike repaired while you’re working on an upcoming presentation. In similar current scenarios, a heart-to-heart conversation with loved ones to discuss your feelings and lending an empathic ear to their emotional venting can go a long way in preserving familial peace which shall ultimately spillover into peace at work.  

The Abuser, the Abusee and the Collateral Damage

Home is more than just a four letter word referring to four walls holding up a roof together. Home is a feeling. Home is where your heart is. Home is where your family is. Home is where you’re free to be as it is. Home is where peace of mind and security is…Or at least is supposed to be.

According to the National Family Health Survey (NFHS-4) as released by the Union Health Ministry, every third woman has reported facing some kind of domestic violence since the age of 15 in India.

As per the World Health Organization(WHO) Reports, 30% of all women worldwide have reported that they have experienced some kind of physical/sexual violence by their intimate partner in their lifetime.

Key word to note here: reported.

The high standing walls of home that help you to shut out the outside world for good can be the very reason why the data about actual prevalence of family violence is kept under wraps. The idea of home as a private space is so deeply ingrained that neither the victim nor the neighbors can muster the courage to breach this notion.

Domestic violence is now an umbrella term used to refer to all kinds of physical, sexual, economic, emotional and psychological violence and threats carried out by an intimate partner/spouse. Unfortunately, even today only a black eye and broken bones are believed to be justified reasons to leave your partner. Men can be at the receiving end too, but more often than not, it is women who undergo this ordeal.

The Batterer

If everyone hit their spouse when they were angry, then all of us would have permanent beds booked 

in a hospital.

Domestic violence is not a result of anger issues. Abuse is always meant to establish a standing about “who is the boss” and create fear in the mind of the victim to serve as a reminder of the same. Very often than not, the perpetrators are from a violent family background themselves, have poor impulse control, fragile self esteem, low tolerance threshold for criticism and a sense of entitlement stemming from self-pity and societal norms. Bottom-line, the batterer is wounded in the first place. We tend to hurt others when we are hurt. But where do we draw the line?

The Battered

 “Why doesn’t the victim just leave?” Because this is easier said than done.

 Statistics have shown that men are more likely to kill their battered wives when they leave the relationship as this is an unforgivable insult to their ego and a sign of loss of control. Thus, if it is safer to stay and suffer than to leave and have a murderer hunt me down then why would I take the risk? The matter is only complicated by the fact that most victims are still in love with the “good side” of their husband.

Typically, the cycle of violence dictates that tension rises, abuse occurs, apologies are initially made by the batterer and silence is maintained until next episode erupts. Thus, this calm before the storm is what keeps most women hoping. Also, many abusers very cunningly during the phase of ignorance sever the woman’s social ties under the pretext of “wanting to have her all for himself.” This creates dependence on my part and allows the batterer establish monopoly on my support system. Plus, if this strategy of “cute jealousy” doesn’t work then a good smacking combined with threats for life ensures that I don’t cry for help.

Half the job of keeping violence low key is done by the society. The burden of “saving the marriage” is squarely on my shoulders as a woman as my honor and that of my family is tied with the “married” status. Not only this, but financial dependence on the male members in a patriarchal society along with bearing children of the batterer is another driving force behind women taking abuse in stride.

Such abuse can take a blow at the woman’s sense of self till the point of self doubt, shame and guilt at being unable to protect oneself. In this highly vulnerable period, the perpetrator has the power to convince me that ‘I asked for it’ and that ‘I deserve it’. When the abuser even has control over the victim’s mind, then is leaving really a choice?

The Third Party: Children

Children learn through observation. According to Dr. Sigmund Freud, around 6 years of age, boys come to identify themselves with their fathers and girls with their mothers. So, even though the child must have resented the violent relationship of his/her parents, this explains why the son is more likely to grow up to be a perpetrator and the daughter a victim of marital violence. Children who witness wife battering often confuse pain for love. Case in point, they come to view violence as a legitimate method of conflict resolution. This gets them in trouble at school. They may turn out to be bullies or get bullied and often exhibit low self esteem and poor academic performance. They have difficulty establishing close relationships because of their insecure attachment style with their parents and may in fact turn out to be needy and attention seeking. They are so starved for love at home that they may accept any person willing to offer affection. However, this in turn frequently lands them into abusive relationship and increases their chances of engaging in reckless sexual behavior. They use avoidance as a coping style and are hyper vigilant at detecting danger. In the long run, these children may find themselves caught in the crosshairs when their parents fight and may start feeling guilty for being so helpless. Sometimes, the aggression towards the abusive parent may increase to the point that they may strike out to show delinquency. Overall, because of their experiences, these children have higher than normal likelihood of experiencing depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), substance abuse and personality disorders.

However, research shows that children raised in violent homes turn out to be resilient if they have at least one supportive, caring and warm individual in their life. So, look around. Be aware. Try being that one person who can teach these children the true meaning of love. Go ahead, spread kindness around like confetti!