The Abuser, the Abusee and the Collateral Damage

Home is more than just a four letter word referring to four walls holding up a roof together. Home is a feeling. Home is where your heart is. Home is where your family is. Home is where you’re free to be as it is. Home is where peace of mind and security is…Or at least is supposed to be.

According to the National Family Health Survey (NFHS-4) as released by the Union Health Ministry, every third woman has reported facing some kind of domestic violence since the age of 15 in India.

As per the World Health Organization(WHO) Reports, 30% of all women worldwide have reported that they have experienced some kind of physical/sexual violence by their intimate partner in their lifetime.

Key word to note here: reported.

The high standing walls of home that help you to shut out the outside world for good can be the very reason why the data about actual prevalence of family violence is kept under wraps. The idea of home as a private space is so deeply ingrained that neither the victim nor the neighbors can muster the courage to breach this notion.

Domestic violence is now an umbrella term used to refer to all kinds of physical, sexual, economic, emotional and psychological violence and threats carried out by an intimate partner/spouse. Unfortunately, even today only a black eye and broken bones are believed to be justified reasons to leave your partner. Men can be at the receiving end too, but more often than not, it is women who undergo this ordeal.

The Batterer

If everyone hit their spouse when they were angry, then all of us would have permanent beds booked 

in a hospital.

Domestic violence is not a result of anger issues. Abuse is always meant to establish a standing about “who is the boss” and create fear in the mind of the victim to serve as a reminder of the same. Very often than not, the perpetrators are from a violent family background themselves, have poor impulse control, fragile self esteem, low tolerance threshold for criticism and a sense of entitlement stemming from self-pity and societal norms. Bottom-line, the batterer is wounded in the first place. We tend to hurt others when we are hurt. But where do we draw the line?

The Battered

 “Why doesn’t the victim just leave?” Because this is easier said than done.

 Statistics have shown that men are more likely to kill their battered wives when they leave the relationship as this is an unforgivable insult to their ego and a sign of loss of control. Thus, if it is safer to stay and suffer than to leave and have a murderer hunt me down then why would I take the risk? The matter is only complicated by the fact that most victims are still in love with the “good side” of their husband.

Typically, the cycle of violence dictates that tension rises, abuse occurs, apologies are initially made by the batterer and silence is maintained until next episode erupts. Thus, this calm before the storm is what keeps most women hoping. Also, many abusers very cunningly during the phase of ignorance sever the woman’s social ties under the pretext of “wanting to have her all for himself.” This creates dependence on my part and allows the batterer establish monopoly on my support system. Plus, if this strategy of “cute jealousy” doesn’t work then a good smacking combined with threats for life ensures that I don’t cry for help.

Half the job of keeping violence low key is done by the society. The burden of “saving the marriage” is squarely on my shoulders as a woman as my honor and that of my family is tied with the “married” status. Not only this, but financial dependence on the male members in a patriarchal society along with bearing children of the batterer is another driving force behind women taking abuse in stride.

Such abuse can take a blow at the woman’s sense of self till the point of self doubt, shame and guilt at being unable to protect oneself. In this highly vulnerable period, the perpetrator has the power to convince me that ‘I asked for it’ and that ‘I deserve it’. When the abuser even has control over the victim’s mind, then is leaving really a choice?

The Third Party: Children

Children learn through observation. According to Dr. Sigmund Freud, around 6 years of age, boys come to identify themselves with their fathers and girls with their mothers. So, even though the child must have resented the violent relationship of his/her parents, this explains why the son is more likely to grow up to be a perpetrator and the daughter a victim of marital violence. Children who witness wife battering often confuse pain for love. Case in point, they come to view violence as a legitimate method of conflict resolution. This gets them in trouble at school. They may turn out to be bullies or get bullied and often exhibit low self esteem and poor academic performance. They have difficulty establishing close relationships because of their insecure attachment style with their parents and may in fact turn out to be needy and attention seeking. They are so starved for love at home that they may accept any person willing to offer affection. However, this in turn frequently lands them into abusive relationship and increases their chances of engaging in reckless sexual behavior. They use avoidance as a coping style and are hyper vigilant at detecting danger. In the long run, these children may find themselves caught in the crosshairs when their parents fight and may start feeling guilty for being so helpless. Sometimes, the aggression towards the abusive parent may increase to the point that they may strike out to show delinquency. Overall, because of their experiences, these children have higher than normal likelihood of experiencing depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), substance abuse and personality disorders.

However, research shows that children raised in violent homes turn out to be resilient if they have at least one supportive, caring and warm individual in their life. So, look around. Be aware. Try being that one person who can teach these children the true meaning of love. Go ahead, spread kindness around like confetti!