The Abuser, the Abusee and the Collateral Damage

Home is more than just a four letter word referring to four walls holding up a roof together. Home is a feeling. Home is where your heart is. Home is where your family is. Home is where you’re free to be as it is. Home is where peace of mind and security is…Or at least is supposed to be.

According to the National Family Health Survey (NFHS-4) as released by the Union Health Ministry, every third woman has reported facing some kind of domestic violence since the age of 15 in India.

As per the World Health Organization(WHO) Reports, 30% of all women worldwide have reported that they have experienced some kind of physical/sexual violence by their intimate partner in their lifetime.

Key word to note here: reported.

The high standing walls of home that help you to shut out the outside world for good can be the very reason why the data about actual prevalence of family violence is kept under wraps. The idea of home as a private space is so deeply ingrained that neither the victim nor the neighbors can muster the courage to breach this notion.

Domestic violence is now an umbrella term used to refer to all kinds of physical, sexual, economic, emotional and psychological violence and threats carried out by an intimate partner/spouse. Unfortunately, even today only a black eye and broken bones are believed to be justified reasons to leave your partner. Men can be at the receiving end too, but more often than not, it is women who undergo this ordeal.

The Batterer

If everyone hit their spouse when they were angry, then all of us would have permanent beds booked 

in a hospital.

Domestic violence is not a result of anger issues. Abuse is always meant to establish a standing about “who is the boss” and create fear in the mind of the victim to serve as a reminder of the same. Very often than not, the perpetrators are from a violent family background themselves, have poor impulse control, fragile self esteem, low tolerance threshold for criticism and a sense of entitlement stemming from self-pity and societal norms. Bottom-line, the batterer is wounded in the first place. We tend to hurt others when we are hurt. But where do we draw the line?

The Battered

 “Why doesn’t the victim just leave?” Because this is easier said than done.

 Statistics have shown that men are more likely to kill their battered wives when they leave the relationship as this is an unforgivable insult to their ego and a sign of loss of control. Thus, if it is safer to stay and suffer than to leave and have a murderer hunt me down then why would I take the risk? The matter is only complicated by the fact that most victims are still in love with the “good side” of their husband.

Typically, the cycle of violence dictates that tension rises, abuse occurs, apologies are initially made by the batterer and silence is maintained until next episode erupts. Thus, this calm before the storm is what keeps most women hoping. Also, many abusers very cunningly during the phase of ignorance sever the woman’s social ties under the pretext of “wanting to have her all for himself.” This creates dependence on my part and allows the batterer establish monopoly on my support system. Plus, if this strategy of “cute jealousy” doesn’t work then a good smacking combined with threats for life ensures that I don’t cry for help.

Half the job of keeping violence low key is done by the society. The burden of “saving the marriage” is squarely on my shoulders as a woman as my honor and that of my family is tied with the “married” status. Not only this, but financial dependence on the male members in a patriarchal society along with bearing children of the batterer is another driving force behind women taking abuse in stride.

Such abuse can take a blow at the woman’s sense of self till the point of self doubt, shame and guilt at being unable to protect oneself. In this highly vulnerable period, the perpetrator has the power to convince me that ‘I asked for it’ and that ‘I deserve it’. When the abuser even has control over the victim’s mind, then is leaving really a choice?

The Third Party: Children

Children learn through observation. According to Dr. Sigmund Freud, around 6 years of age, boys come to identify themselves with their fathers and girls with their mothers. So, even though the child must have resented the violent relationship of his/her parents, this explains why the son is more likely to grow up to be a perpetrator and the daughter a victim of marital violence. Children who witness wife battering often confuse pain for love. Case in point, they come to view violence as a legitimate method of conflict resolution. This gets them in trouble at school. They may turn out to be bullies or get bullied and often exhibit low self esteem and poor academic performance. They have difficulty establishing close relationships because of their insecure attachment style with their parents and may in fact turn out to be needy and attention seeking. They are so starved for love at home that they may accept any person willing to offer affection. However, this in turn frequently lands them into abusive relationship and increases their chances of engaging in reckless sexual behavior. They use avoidance as a coping style and are hyper vigilant at detecting danger. In the long run, these children may find themselves caught in the crosshairs when their parents fight and may start feeling guilty for being so helpless. Sometimes, the aggression towards the abusive parent may increase to the point that they may strike out to show delinquency. Overall, because of their experiences, these children have higher than normal likelihood of experiencing depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), substance abuse and personality disorders.

However, research shows that children raised in violent homes turn out to be resilient if they have at least one supportive, caring and warm individual in their life. So, look around. Be aware. Try being that one person who can teach these children the true meaning of love. Go ahead, spread kindness around like confetti!

The 7 Faces of Love

What is love?

All of us must have stumbled upon this reflective question at some point in our lives—it could have been on a lonely night, crying on the bathroom floor over a broken heart or just while your earphones were plugged in on a train ride home; with friends on a tipsy night when you had too much to drink or on seeing your childhood pal taking his/her wedding vows; watching your partner softly snore by your side on a sleepless night or simply as a matter of philosophical debate with your parents on a Sunday afternoon.

Although psychology is far from providing a technical definition of love, the work of some researchers has very well illuminated the direction in which to look while trying to understand what comprises of love. To this end, psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, in particular, has proposed the Triangular Theory of Love.  He states that love is not just love but instead is made up of 3 pillars that can metaphorically serve as the three vertices of a triangle, namely: Intimacy, Passion and Commitment.

Intimacy is a purely emotional part of love. We often mistake intimacy for solely meaning physical closeness between two loving souls—something that can’t get out of the bedroom. However, intimacy as a part of Sternberg’s theory refers to a special emotional connect with your partner—it is the bonding, sharing, communication and ‘stand-by-me’ aspect of a romantic relationship. So when you say “We’re friends before lovers”, it is the shared intimacy you’re pointing out. Naturally, intimacy grows slowly at first, picks up pace on the way and ultimately settles down along with your settling relationship. However, when intimacy starts to fade and the feeling of your partner giving you an “emotional cold shoulder” starts increasing, the relationship is set on its way downhill unless handled otherwise in time. In fact, sometimes intimacy is casually taken for granted until the crisis hour strikes (e.g. job loss or death of a parent) making you realize how much care, support and warmth of belongingness is radiated by your special someone.

Passion is the emotional and physiological motivation that drives love. This is in fact the component which largely deals with physical attractiveness and sexual arousal. It is what makes us want to have our partner around all the time. It is what forms the basis of ‘love at first sight’. As expected, passion blooms rapidly but only as quickly does this balloon deflate. The increased intensity of positive emotions like excitement and ‘feeling fireworks when they touch you’ eventually wear you out. This wearing out marks the end of the honeymoon phase after which the very throwing of a wet towel on bed after bathing turns from cute to annoying i.e. the areas that you turned a blind eye to start glaring you in the face like harshly bright sunshine.

Commitment is the cognitive factor of love. It refers to both: confessing of your true feelings and hoping for a mutual ‘yes’ in response to the proposal as well as the readiness to put in efforts that are required for long lasting maintenance of love. Yes, it is what makes you a couple. As expected, commitment increases gradually at first, rapidly later and eventually levels off with time. However, if you hit a rough patch and the topic of break-up starts hovering every fight that you have, then the level of commitment is bound to decline or even diminish completely resulting in parting of ways with your partner.

According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the three elements can be combined in various ways to give rise to different types of love. To begin with, nonlove is a state in which all three i.e. intimacy, passion and commitment are absent. For example, your relationship with a classmate you don’t really chat with can be characterized as one being of nonlove.

The seven types of love specifically prescribed by this theory are:    

          1. Liking:  This face of love essentially emphasizes on the intimacy element and is marked by a complete absence of passion and commitment. What do you call a person with whom you have established a comfort zone so strong and deep that you can tell them everything that is on your mind without showing romantic interest as such? A friend, of course!

        2. Infatuation: That special someone sure gives you “butterflies in your stomach” but isn’t someone who knows your deepest secrets or someone you can imagine yourself with 10 years down the line. When love involves a lot of passion but zero intimacy or commitment then it is called infatuation. Our teenage years are often marked by such love that is gone with the wind.

     3. Empty Love: One look at a traditional arrange marriage in India where the bride and groom hardly know each other before tying the knot and you know that the relationship is singularly sailing

on the boat of commitment (familial, financial or social) without the life guards of intimacy or passion. Sure, the absentees may come along the way as you invest yourself more and more in the marriage but not necessarily.

     4. Romantic Love: This kind is a sum of intimacy and passion minus the sense of commitment. It makes you see your life in rosy hues, la vie en rose. However, the only catch here is that since you are not focused on seeing a future of this relationship, it might not be a long one.

     5.  Fatuous Love: When the high of passion is so overriding that it makes you commit to a person that you hardly know, it is called fatuous love. The surprising wedding invitation of a friend you know is clearly going through a rebound from a bad relationship or seeing Ross and Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S getting married at a chapel in Las Vegas while being intoxicated are good examples of this kind of love. It clearly lacks insight and judgment on the part of the                                                                                            partners.

     6. Companionate Love: When we look up to our middle-aged parents managing several chores and executing endless responsibilities without really showing the young love for wanting to do things exclusively with their spouse and preferring family vacations over private weekends, what do we see? It is companionate love that is a combination of years-long intimacy and commitment with passion that has more or less taken a backseat.

     7. Consummate Love: When “I want to grow old with you” materializes into “I have grown old with you” with a perfectly personalized mix of intimacy, passion and commitment, we have the ideal form of love i.e. consummate love.

Thus, as we see, there are no well defined proportions of Sternberg’s Love Triangle. Love comes wrapped in different colored papers and vivid ribbons for all of us. There is no hard-and-fast rule that your relationship must fit into one of the 7 types. You can have blurring boundaries or even dynamic ones. It is quite possible for you to escalate from liking to romantic love to a satisfyingly consummate relationship or fall from fatuous love to an empty one to simple liking. 

Have you found which of these different faces fit your relationship the best? 

Somewhere in the Rat Race

"Who was the first man to step on the moon? Neil Armstrong, obviously! We all know that, but who was the second man? Don't waste your time. It's not important. Nobody ever remembers the man who came in second."

"A cuckoo bird never makes its own nest. She lays eggs on other birds’ nests. And when her babies come to the world, what do they do first? They kick out the other eggs from the nest. Competition over! Their life begins with murder. That's nature. Compete. Or die."

"Remember - Life is a race. If you don't run fast enough, someone will overtake you and move faster."

These dialogues by Virus (Boman Irani) in the film 3 Idiots very well struck a chord with the masses. And, why not? We all relate to the hard-end competition they encase. However, when we hear the song “Give me some sunshine” in the same film followed by the suicide of a young engineering student who gave up in the face of this never ending pressure to succeed, our hearts melt away.

Competition is cruel, yes. But that is the only way forward that we humans know. And what is wrong in being ambitious? Of course, being on the top feels great! Yet, on the way to the pinnacle of our life, we often muddle the word “our” for “the” i.e. we no longer want to achieve our fullest potential; rather, we join the “rat race” to achieve the socially prescribed ideal of a successful life. Competition essentially paves way for comparison. And most of us fall into this trap of comparison some time or the other.

“Self esteem refers to our personally evaluated feelings of worthiness.” *

Unfortunately, the condition applied by the asterisk mark here is that our personal evaluation is always tinted by the benchmark that comparable others provide. All of us are guilty for engaging in some amount of self depreciation after drawing comparisons with others in regards of at least one thing—looks, money, social connections, status, intelligence, romantic partners, job profile, our child’s grades, etc. However, we risk lowering our self esteem when we put ourselves down by making such upward comparisons with ideals that are unrealistically high to achieve for one’s standards. For instance, as a new Blogger, if I am to compare myself to the authors on the blogs of Psychology Today and wish to obtain the kind of readership they have immediately after the two blogs that I have posted, then I am likely to look forward to dejection.

The opposite of upward comparison is downward comparison whereby we try to boost our self esteem by drawing comparisons with those who have less of something that we have. Don’t we all

have those pesky relatives who would call you the moment your Board Exam result is out to brag about how well their kid did in comparison to you? This is their psyche compelling them to give in to the human instinct to compare and feel good about their success in a competition. As mentioned in my first blog post, anything that is scarce is regarded as valuable by us. Thus, as the no. 1 position can be filled by only one person, all of us compete to obtain that position.  Anyone who does better or worse than us then becomes the target of comparison.

Very often when we become preoccupied with people who do worse off than us, we may not feel invigorated enough to push ourselves out of our comfort zone. Downward comparison gives birth to over confidence in some cases. It may even make us feel so superior to others that we lose the empathic touch with those who are underprivileged. However, an inflated ego is just as dangerous as a deflated one. Deflated ego may make you feel undeserving, incapable, paralyzed and depressed. Similarly, an inflated ego creates the sense of entitlement in a narcissist and is the driving force of a bully’s mind. In both the cases, there is a severing of social ties as withdrawal is a common symptom of both upward and downward comparison.

How to fight against this urge to compare?

1.   Mindfully choose what and how much you see on social media

Out of sight, out of mind! However, it would be unrealistic to wish that social media didn’t exist. We feed ourselves humongous amount of information that can be used to make envious comparisons by mindlessly scrolling through our Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat feeds day in and day out. There is no point in deleting these apps because their spread is so wide that you will somehow, anyhow land up staring at a screen into an edited version of a friend’s life. What you need to do instead is to consciously decide on the content you watch, the amount of time you invest in doing so, reflect on your feelings related to the content, and actively change your perception about the consumed material. We all know that only the happy snippets of our life find their way onto these platforms because we ourselves don’t let others peer into the dark parts of our life. Hence, no one is perfect. Try to find your own perfect without external validation.

2.   Use yourself as a yardstick:

Making comparisons is inescapable because of the positive feedback it provides to our brain every time we turn out to be better off than others. Thus, instead of comparing yourself to others, turn inward and compare your current self to your past self or your ideal self. If you’ve been able to lose those extra 10 kgs due to your sheer dedication to exercising and diet then look at an old picture of yourself than that of a super model. You’ll feel better and justifiably rewarded. Also, if you happen to change for worse, then it is much easier to accept this downfall when you draw comparisons to your previous self than an outside other. This is because such a comparison will provide you hope that you definitely have it in you to revert back to that already achieved ideal.

3.  Upside to upward comparison:

Try to find inspiration in those who do better than us. For instance, among other things, one of the motivators for me to start writing this blog was seeing my friend Nabila Damra start her own food blog, SnackoMeter. I had the alternative of sulking over how others are doing what they wished to do after graduation but I chose to take pride in my friend’s success and use it as a source of inspiration to take action on my own long desired contemplations. Also, research has found that we are encouraged by looking up to those who do slightly better as opposed to those whose achievements seem out of reach for us.

4. Count your blessings:

Unleash gratitude each time you find yourself doing better than others because you might complain about not having shoes but look around, there are people who don’t have feet! Also, it is important to remember that not everyone can be good at the same thing. So, you might not be a straight A grade student but you definitely have other talents to discover and furnish. It is only foolish to compare apples to oranges.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Now knowing the tricks to keep this thief at bay, neither steal nor let your joy be stolen by it.

Bystander Effect: Is more always the merrier?

There was a long screech followed by a loud thud.

“Help!” she whispered softly between her sobs because her screams were drowned by the unmoved, unflinching mass of public. Reality had set in. No one was going to help. No, the group of youngsters with a car or the taxiwala won’t give them a ride to the hospital. No, the lady with that shiny iPhone in her hand or the shady looking man recording a video of the scene for the consumption of YouTube viewers won’t call an ambulance. No one from the crowd—whose faces seemed almost blended into the same emotion of apathy, perhaps confusion—would help.

She sat there. She sat there next to her son in a pool of blood. She watched. She watched the lights leave his eyes and grief crush her soul.

Isn’t this the horrific script of every second accident that takes place world around? Undoubtedly, all of us sitting in our armchair would scrunch up our nose and ‘tch-tch’ over how unresponsive and cold hearted people can be in the time of an emergency. However, chances are that if we would find ourselves to be a witness of a tragedy, we might too stand there dumbfounded, lacking the ability to take action until it is too late. Bystander effect helps explain why we would do that.

 Prosocial behavior involves acts that benefit the others without direct benefits to self. Bystander

effect states that one is less likely to act prosocially and help a victim in need if other witnesses are present. This group psychology phenomenon came to be called the Genovese Syndrome after the cries for help by Kitty Genovese went on the deaf ears of her 38 neighbors which got her killed right outside her own New York apartment. Social psychologists John Darley and Bibb Latane were drawn by the frequent reports of such incidents and the Genovese murder served as the last straw that instigated their research. They zeroed in Diffusion of Responsibility as the most promising explanation for such apathy. Diffusion of responsibility is a principle stating that the more number of people at the site where a tragedy has struck, the lesser number of them are likely to come forward in aid of the victim because everyone thinks that someone else will do it.

We often find security in numbers. However, this is where our psyche overrides math. Humans are born to be empathic beings. When a singular person is available in the vicinity of an emergency, that person is more likely to act in your favor because s/he instinctively feels responsible for your wellbeing. However, the herd’s mentality is to conform and when no one sees the other taking a step forward to help because of diffused responsibility, they themselves won’t pick up the slack either.

How to break this pattern of indifference?

1.      Notice: If you are not alert of something unusual happening, how will you decide to pitch in to help? If you woke up to be a neighbor of Kitty Genovese, it would take you some time to become oriented to the fact that the screams are coming from a stabbed woman outside your window than from a nightmare or perhaps the TV screen you left on while dozing off. In the meanwhile, the deed could be done, the crime could be committed, a life could be lost. Thus, simply blaming people for not being proactive isn’t the best first reaction after all. It is quite possible that they took some time to comprehend the situation in the first place.

2.      Interpret correctly: We like to be correct, always. We are so socially conscious that we will rather stand back and let a verbal spew escalate into a fist fight because we would rather be sorry than embarrassed for misinterpreting an unfolding scene. We often derive this sense of “correctness” by referring to the behavior of others in a group. Thus, if it surprises you why no one called the police when they found two bloody, naked bodies lying by the road side on 16^th December 2012 then you have your answer—people weren’t as nirbhay (brave) at reporting when it came to Nirbhaya. They didn’t want to make a fool of themselves by getting involved with the police who are very popularly known to cause trouble to the first responders by asking them make rounds of the court. Plus, who knew what ensued on the bus that led to the sorry state of the two victims? Such ambiguous circumstances often lead

to Pluralistic Ignorance i.e. lack of responsiveness to an emergency due to the inability to make complete sense of a situation.  Under such a condition, people depend on others to interpret and this dependence leads to procrastination and procrastination paves way for the Bystander Effect to occur.

      However, we know that communication is the key to solving problems. Thus, when a group of first responders comprises of friends, they are more likely to discuss and arrive at a clearer analysis of the situation that will make helping behavior emerge in turn. Similarly, in small towns where everyone knows everyone else, it is possible that the crowd gathered to witness a tragedy shares affiliation with the victim and so they may jump in to provide assistance. Also surprisingly, studies have found that an intoxicated person is more likely to give in to his evolutionary demands of acting prosocially than a sober crowd because alcohol reduces our inhibition levels. Nevertheless, how intoxication could cause other troubles while reaching a solution is a story for another day.

3.      Take responsibility: Having read on how bystander effect functions, learn to assume the leadership position when you are a spectator to a mishap. If you’ll take a step forward to pull out that man from underneath the crashed car, empathy rooted in the human nature of at least a few onlookers will arouse and they will extend a helping gesture that could save a life. Also, to encourage bystanders respond to road accidents, the guidelines of Good Samaritan law are now upheld by the Indian Supreme Court.

Click link to see the full report https://sites.ndtv.com/roadsafety/how-supreme-court-guidelines-protect-good-samaritans-who-help-road-accident-victims-3803/

4.      Assess your knowledge/ skills to help: You can’t help a drowning person if you don’t know how to swim. Does this mean you let them drown or drown yourself in the process? No. Just ask.  A swimmer herself might not decide to take a dive, but if purposefully asked to do so, she might not decline either.

5.      Make the final call: Just having a tick mark put next to all the above steps isn’t necessary to produce prosocial behavior. You need to actively decide to actually provide your assistance to someone. Very often at this stage, we pit the benefits of helping against the fallouts of doing so. Providing monetary help to someone when they have lost their wallet might very well be a trick to rob you. Breaking up a fight between two women might leave a few scratches on your own face. Calling the ambulance for an accident-hit family might get you involved in a never ending police case. But how high are the odds for the needy person receiving the help you conveniently assumed that someone else would provide? Not very. Moreover, would you rather live in mystery for the rest of your life wondering if that person you passively refused to help ended up in a safe place or actively be the one to do so and soothe your human instinct to reach out to those in pain?

I say, take the risk. Choose to believe in the bright side of mankind.