Are babies always bundles of joy? : Postpartum Depression

     ⮚She exhibits a depressed mood most of the day—her sense of being sunk in an ocean of sadness.

        ⮚She seems uninterested in everyday activities from which she earlier derived pleasure.

     ⮚She eats too much or too little—her appetite has gone haywire.

     ⮚She sleeps too much or too little—her good night’s sleep has become a distant dream.

     ⮚She moves around lethargically, almost dragging herself to get things done…or conversely, she is agitated in all that she does.

     ⮚She feels worthless. She feels guilty.

     ⮚She can’t get herself to concentrate or decide on the tasks she is passively performing.

        ⮚She maybe thinks, maybe plans, maybe attempts committing suicide.

     ⮚She doesn’t use any substances. She can’t place a finger on any medical condition that is causing her such distress and impairment of functioning.

Yet, here she is with her baby in her hands. The beautiful baby she’s been awaiting. Or, at least she should be awaiting the baby? She doesn’t feel any motherly feelings that she should be feeling. Or, should she be feeling them automatically at all?

The answer varies. Some of us gloriously bask in the post pregnancy glow despite hours of painful labor and impending sleepless nights. Some of us don’t. For those who do, KUDOS! However, for those who don’t react this way; let’s not make them feel ‘sidelined, abnormal and stigmatized’.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental disorders (DSM-5) is published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) for the purpose of helping mental health professionals around the world diagnose and treat persons with mental health issues. Although popularly referred to as Postpartum Depression (PPD), in the scientific terminology used by DSM-5 the above mentioned pointers are symptoms of a condition called Major Depressive Episode with Peripartum Onset. The same checklist of symptoms is also used to detect the presence of Clinical Depression. However, the signifier of Peripartum Onset is used when the individual starts showing at least 5 of the given symptoms(including at least one of the first two) anytime between the 9 months of pregnancy to 4 weeks from delivery of their infant. This means that the symptoms exist primarily due to the presence of a newborn child and the kind of life changes this entails.

Risk Factors contributing to PPD

Motherhood is universal and so are the problems accompanying it. This is to say, any woman can suffer from Postpartum Depression.

If we were to reinterpret all the symptoms from the perspective of a newborn mother, we could say that the pervasive sadness primarily emerges from the sudden drop to normalcy of hormones like progesterone and estrogen that phenomenally rise during the pregnancy period. While this is often responsible for what we call "baby blues" i.e. a shorter, less intense period of depressed mood found in a majority of new mothers; why it leads to PPD in some women and not others is a little unclear. Further, looking after a helplessly dependent baby is a demanding job in itself because of which the mummy often overlooks the nutritional requirements of her tummy. Having a fussy baby that is difficult to put to sleep negatively impacts the mother’s sleeping cycle. And mind it; sleep deprivation can be a serious physiological contributor to PPD.

The needs of the baby start having an upper hand over needs of the self. There is a huge curtailment in the kind of freedom young parents enjoy before childbirth. A lot of responsibility is now placed on their shoulders. The kind of reorganization in life and roles that the entry of a child brings in is unfathomable, even if the pregnancy was a planned one. So imagine; when the pregnancy is unplanned or imposes the requirement of upbringing the child singlehandedly due to divorce/separation/ death of spouse, wouldn’t the struggles multiply manifold? Also, experiencing birth complications in the present pregnancy, miscarriages in the earlier ones or PPD following previous childbirths may heighten the risk of developing this disorder. Over and over again, it is also said that a prior history of depressive disorders experienced firsthand or by a family member can predispose individuals to PPD.

Naturally, suffering from postpartum depression takes away the ability of a parent to provide fully for the child. The mothers in such a predicament often fail to feel ‘motherly enough’ —i.e. they can’t establish an instant connect with the tiny human that they so preciously created. This leaves them feeling confused, worthless and guilty because they see themselves as being a ‘bad mother’ who doesn’t fit the conventional image of a nurturing primary care giver.

An important point to note down here is that PPD majorly affects women but it doesn’t spare men in some cases either. Motherhood is difficult and so is fatherhood. Men are socialized to not give in to emotional pressures but a life altering event such as having a baby can crush their emotional fences down. Sometimes the father may be an alone sufferer of PPD for reasons that are similar to those mentioned above while many other times, the combined demands of a babbling baby and a seemingly unsupportive partner suffering from PPD can push men over the edge.

What PPD is not

Many women willingly stay away or are forcefully made to stay away from their children if they openly express their depressive thoughts because they are by default seen as being dangerous to their own child. This error in judgment is a result of misinformed media reports regarding ‘women who killed their children while experiencing a bout of postpartum depression.’ However, women who commit such deeds are plagued by postpartum psychosis which is a different and rare disorder wherein individuals experience distorted reality and come to be guided by their delusions that might precipitate them to commit infanticide.

What can you do?

One thing that is clear by now is that postpartum depression is not something that individuals call 

upon themselves by choice. So,

          1. Break the stigma: It’s time to stop constructing a socially validated image of a flawless mother which we knowingly or unknowingly force women to pit themselves against. Let every woman be ‘her kind of mother’.

       

      2. Accept: It’s time to embrace the idea that men have emotional insecurities surrounding childbirth too.

      3. Let’s talk: It’s time to provide an open and safe space where parents can express their frightening PPD-related thoughts. And let this space not only be a therapist’s room but also any and every place of social meeting: homes, playgrounds, workplaces, train bogeys. Let this be a topic as natural to talk about as child birth is.

      4. Be equals: It’s time to start supporting your PPD-affected partner and take equal work load for all the chores related to home, work and the baby. Don’t underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep. Make sure each of you get at least one block of uninterrupted sleep that helps you wake up fresh.

     5. Seek professional help: It’s time for us to realize that unlike baby blues, postpartum depression isn’t soothed only by comforting words. It will require a combination of medications and psychotherapy for social support to show its full impact.

     

     It’s time to help PPD struck parents unleash their bundle of joy.

The Psychology of Mob Lynching

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September 28, 2015: Mohammed Akhlaq (52), Dadri, Uttar Pradesh.

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April 1, 2017: Pehlu Khan (55), Alwar, Rajasthan.

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June 22, 2017: Junaid Khan (15), Ballabhghar district, Haryana.

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June 8, 2018: Nilotpal Das (29) and Abhijit Nath (30), Karbi Anglong, Assam.

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July 1, 2018: Dadarao Shankarao Bhosale (36), Bharat Bhosale (45), Bharat Malve (45), Aagnu Srimant Ingole (20) and Raju Bhosale (47), Dhule, Maharashtra.

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July 13, 2018: Mohammad Azam Usmansab (32), Bidar, Karnataka.

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This list of mob lynching cases in our democracy-turning-into-mobocracy has an indefinite start, middle and end. Common justifications cited for such animalistic behavior are cow vigilantism, suspicions of child-lifting, theft and cultural practices.

What is mob lynching?

Mob lynching is when a group of people take the law in their hands to “righteously” punish an offender whom their collective mentality has already deemed to be guilty of committing a crime without looking for actual proof that would support their suspicious beliefs. This punishment comes in the form of thrashing with sticks to pelting with stones to parading the victims naked to ultimately beating them down to death by the bare-hands power of a large-numbered, anonymous vigilante group. This group feels insecure, averted and threatened by skullcaps, caste status, mental health condition or simply the looks of victims who are largely perceived to be out-group members.

Triggering point: The Rumor Mill

In a majority of mob violence cases in 2018, it has been found that rumors of child-lifters being out there to grab your tiny tots off the streets were making rounds of our beloved social media apps before a lynching occurred. What we know yet ignore is that manipulating information in today’s day and age is a pretty easy job. Videos of past unrelated instances with blurred faces and changed time stamp can make a very convincing show of how a random Sharmaji’s daughter from 2 blocks away recently got kidnapped by strange men offering her toffee and stuffing her in the back of an Omni.

Rumors that provide characteristic details (even false ones) and appeal to our deep seated fears are the ones that don’t die easily. For example: we all share the collective anxiety about the safety of our children. Moreover, a negative fictitious tale like that of a theft at nearby shop is bound to have a wider reach than a positive one because evolutionarily it makes sense to spread the word about where danger lies to ensure survival of our in-group. Moreover, we are biased towards readily accepting unverified data that confirms our preexisting biases. Thus, in India where the Hindu-Muslim tiffs are frequent, politically motivated and traceable to the bloody times of partition, it is easy to paint a skullcap bearing trader with cattle to be a cow slaughterer. Also, we need to understand that very often rumors are simply a means of trying to make sense of the world around us. So, even if you’re simply asking others if a particular rumor is true or not, you’re first propagating and then negating it. However, this is simply yet another time that your brain and that of the receiver are hearing the same piece of disputed information and more the number of times you hear the same thing, the more credible it seems to be. Thus, it doesn’t really matter if messages regarding a “dangerous mentally unstable woman” patrolling the streets come from an influential and responsible leader or not. All that matters is that there are enough gullible individuals willing to spread this message as a “heads up”.

Why do myths survive? Because they’ve been around for so long that it is difficult to refute them completely, especially when the image they provoke in our minds is simplistic and easy to imagine. Let’s consider the xopadhora myth prevailing across the Assamese society to prevent children from interacting with dangerous strangers. Xopadhora is always a male, who doesn’t belong to the Assamese community, has long hair, carries a jhola (bag) and kidnaps children. No wonder, the lynched Sikh men whose turbans were thrown off by the raging mob in Kamrup near Guwahati to expose their long hair and outside community status made them candidates fit for being xopadhora.

At the scene: What assembles the mob

When a group of complete strangers descend upon mob lynching victims in a formidable wave, a question that arises in our minds is: What brings them together?

1.  Emotional contagion: When a child in the infirmary cries, all other babies in the ward break out into unrelenting wailing. When a stranger smiles at you from across the street, you automatically smile back, with or without questioning yourself later about why you did so. This tendency to mimic the emotions reflected in the facial expression of our fellow beings is called Emotional Contagion (EC). Evolutionary psychology says that EC was essential to our ancestors especially at a time when

language didn’t exist to communicate pain, fear and disgust brought about by the presence of a predator.

Thus, when you see a bunch of people gathered in a tense and aggressive stance, the negative vibe literally catches up to you, putting you in a similar state of mind, thereby, making you willing to join their uninformed charade. Research shows that a 5% minority sway the direction of action of the remaining 95% people in a crowd. This is how a small group that was brought together initially to test a rumor turns into an emotionally charged mob of 30-40 unrelated individuals.

2.  Herd mentality and Groupthink: As mentioned in my article on Bystanders Effect, we find security in numbers. So if a large number of people are engaged in lynching a suspicious individual, it automatically seems like the right thing to do even if on a personal level you’re a very calm person. This is called herd mentality. In a group, it is difficult to know who opened the attack and who made the killing strike. Thus, herd mentality essentially ropes us in through the process of deindividuation whereby individuals who join the herd lose their self-awareness and individuality as they become an anonymous body part of the large group that is almost like an organism with a mind of its own. Herd mentality is then sustained through the process of groupthink. In a mass that is bound by the thread of shared emotions, groupthink ensures that all members support group decision strongly and reject any contrary information (such as the begging pleas of the victims) that may cast a doubt on their decision.

3.  Managing cognitive dissonance: According to psychologist Leon Festinger, cognitive dissonance is a situation where there is an unpleasant disharmony between our thoughts and actions. Once the high of shared emotion drains, rationality and guilt catches up the members of a lynch mob. However, by then it is too late to reverse the done deed. Thus, to remedy their mental discomfort, these members often try to change the way in which they perceive their actions (e.g. they may see their vigilante actions as a necessary evil to keep prospective criminals in line). In a way, then you’re normalizing dehumanization thereby paving way for the repetition of same in future.

4.  News processing at an unconscious level:  People do both what is socially approved (i.e. follow injunctive norms) as well as what is popular (i.e. descriptive norms). Time and again, instruments of news transmission provide statistics for mob violence and other crimes to point out how regrettably often they occur. However, at an unconscious level, our mind confuses such information as being approved because it is popular. This is highlighted in Robert Cialdini’s research work, where he says:

Although these claims may be both true and well intentioned...Within the statement “Many people are doing this undesirable thing” lurks the powerful and undercutting normative message “Many people are doing this.”

“United we stand, Divided we fall.” Never thought that this unity could have a negative connotation too? It is indeed time to reexamine our collective mentality.

School Uniforms Revisited

The only school uniform that was cool

 Having studied at a convent school for the 10 formative years of my life, I can confirm one assumption that most people have about us: WE’RE PRETTY UPTIGHT. Sufficiently oiled, neatly braided, black ribboned, cotton hair-band held hair; striped ankle-length socks in  buckled leather shoes and a blue pinafore plus collar buttoned-shirt (minus the tie because they have become ‘dangerous’ these days) were very much a part of my school uniform. Oh, and uniform didn’t just come with an impeccably long list of do’s but also an equally large numbers of don’ts. For instance: no piercings, no hair color,  no fancy hairstyles, no wrist watch, no long/painted nails, no makeup (not even the lip balm!), no henna-decorated palms, no flashy jewellery, no, no, NO!

However, what I also remember from these days of draconian rule is how I had my ears pierced thrice because each time I got it done, some teacher would catch hold of me and have the small, simple looking diamond stud adorning the ‘unconventional’ part of my upper earlobe removed.

The unreasonable, imposing authority of school management versus rebellion of the free-spirited, young minds: isn’t this the classic battle that most of us faced during the good old school days? This is particularly true when uniforms coincide with teenage.

According to psychologist Erik Erikson’s 8 stage theory of psychosocial development, adolescence is the time period in which most of us experience identity crisis—we want to find out who we truly are as an individual and announce it to the world. One important means through which we express ourselves to others is through clothing; after all, we are what we wear! Although not the Holy Grail of identity establishment, my attire can speak a million stories. It is a powerful means of stating the beliefs I uphold, the social groups I belong to, the goals I’ve set for myself, the interests I would like to pursue, the economic background I come from—in short, it says WHO I AM: introverted, extroverted, artistic, entrepreneurial, athletic, nerd, jock, fashionista or any of the innumerable adjectives I relate to! And school uniforms suppress this avenue of self expression.

A newspaper clipping from DNA dated 05/07/18.
The diktat was withdrawn a day after it was slammed across media.

Recently, MIT associated Vishwashanti Gurukul School of Pune, India issued guidelines asking its female students to wear only beige or white innerwear so that they don’t become a target of the school boys’ unsavory comments. This being outrageous and incorrect at several levels, also shows how restrained self expression can sometimes escalate to invasion of privacy in the name of school uniform.

It is often held that school uniforms instill a sense of professionalism and are meant to teach dressing etiquettes to children. However, a counter question that I raise is, can’t we learn this through trial and error as well? One might argue that there are other arenas outside the school where we are free to dress as we will. But, stop. Take a step back to reflect on how far that is true. We are first babied by our parents, then by our uniforms, later by the “everything, but...” of colleges and finally by the work-place-work-wear rules. Amidst all this, you may point out that you can still choose your outfit in your personal time in personal space.

However,

☝Question 1: Don’t we spend maximum time of our day moving through these dress-coded spaces?

✌Question 2: Isn’t our attire in public spaces too governed by unspoken cultural rules? For instance, how many heads turn around when we girls step out wearing shorts on a normal sunny day?

👌Question 3: Then, where is the choice really?

In one chapter of her book ‘The Art of Choosing’, Sheena Iyenger reiterates the story of her husband to underscore how we are all wary of being copycats. In 2009 when Apple released its iPhone 3, the whole of America was lined outside the official stores to buy this piece of brilliant technology. Her husband was hell bent on buying the black model because it would get less dirty but ended up buying the white one at the last minute. Why? All the people he knew were going to buy the black one and so he couldn’t simply be a copycat, even if it meant doing away with the utility purpose of the purchased product! Our instinct of being uniquely different from others is inherent. Relating this to our topic at hand, don’t you think that when schools force us to become a part of the homogenous blob of blue/red uniforms, they unknowingly appeal to our aversion to this copycat culture thereby defeating the utilitarian purpose of uniforms to bring in equality?

A strong argument on the pro-uniform side is that uniforms help sow school-pride and neatly erase the rich-poor divide. They essentially aim to create impartial school climate and prevent unnecessary distraction during the learning process. However, some psychologists are worried that school uniforms might lead to in-group favoritism. That is to say, while school uniforms may foster a sense of belongingness on the school grounds, they might lead to rivalry with students clad in other school uniforms who might be perceived as outsiders. Thus, we are to question whether the idea of creating an equally accepting atmosphere is to be limited within school premises only or are students to be taught to carry this ideal to the outside world too?

Also, we need to understand the difference between being authoritarian and authoritative. Authoritarian is when discipline is achieved through power and coercion that demands blind obedience whereas authoritative is when discipline is achieved through consistently strict acts with their purpose being explained. Most often than not, the school uniform policies tend to be authoritarian than otherwise. The problematic tussles surrounding this issue stem more from the teacher-student conflicts that ensue from teachers constantly policing stray hair surrounding the face and uniform hem not reaching the knees than from being asked to wear the uniform itself.

We like to believe that all of this ultimately affects students at a psychological level whereby they helplessly learn to hang their heads low into a “yes-ma’am” culture, suffer a blow at their self-confidence, stifle their uniqueness, simply follow the herd and over-conform. However, there is no concrete research evidence to support the same yet.

Besides, even though freedom of expression comes with its shining appeal, we need to understand that when you choose to wear ripped jeans to school because it signifies that you’re in your own skin, you can become a target of judgment and wrath of others. Very often in schools that are dress code-free, children are known to be bullied for how they look. You’re expected to meet the trending fashion norms irrespective of your comfort and preferences. Barack Obama has confessed to having a wardrobe full of gray and blue suits only so that he doesn’t have to spend time deciding what to wear. Research shows that making such trivial day to day decisions can also degrade our capacity to make bigger, important decisions.  Then again, we are forced to question, aren’t we better off in uniforms itself? In uniforms, you’re taught to value what is on the inside than on the outside. But the sad truth is that we are never fully accepted for the talents and beliefs that define our inner sense of being either.

Where does that leave us with the issue of uniforms? According to me, we are caught in a circular debate about whether school uniforms are good or bad without a definitive end.

What is YOUR say?

Work-Life Imbalance: Causes and Solutions

Most of us roughly make such to-do lists either physically or mentally. We plan ahead. We strive really hard to squeeze self, family and work within the seemingly short 24 hours that we have. Yet, most of the time these lists are crushed up into a ball and find their way into the bin. Compartmentalizing work and personal life is a far cry from reality. The spillover hypothesis in the field of industrial psychology states that life satisfaction and job satisfaction are positively correlated. Thus, if you have a happy personal life then you’re likely to have a happy work life. Or, if you have a disappointing work life, the stress is bound to affect your home affairs as well. 

It is important to understand that work-life balance doesn’t imply separating the two important spheres of your life in airtight compartments. At the same time, work-life balance doesn’t refer to your “brilliant” ability to multitask between the two. Research has shown that multitaskers are neither productive nor efficient. In the same chain of thought, work-life balance isn’t about giving these two spheres equal importance and space in your life. Instead, work-life balance is when you are able to devote yourself at a personally meaningful level to both the spheres such that it contributes to your physical and emotional well-being.

However, many internal and external forces hinder us from exploring, achieving and maintaining this self-designated level of balance. In today’s competitive world, you have to be out there to pitch in your ideas before someone else does. Just a 5 minute delay in delivering a hard copy of your proposed plan and someone else might have already shot a similar idea through email. Thus, as much ease technology has brought into the work place, the same amount of pressure it has exerted on our personal space. In a bid to be on the top of our race, we tend to knowingly or unknowingly carry the baggage of work to family dinners. Similarly, although your weekend plans with friends can be easily made via tiny texts on your phone screen during work hours, it takes away your ability to fully concentrate on the computer screen inside your workplace cubicle.  We are curious creatures who are rewarded with a kick of the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine each time we satisfy our curiosity. Thus, we are neurologically rewarded to check our 'curiosity-producing-phone-notifications' but end up compromising work productivity/ familial bliss. 

Another deterrent to balanced living is unsupportive workplace policies. Although research shows that flexible work hours instead of the mandatory 9 to 5 schedule increase productivity and employee satisfaction, most of the workplaces don’t offer such independence. Majority of the managers still follow the redundant Theory X i.e. they view the workforce as being lazy and unreliable unless kept under constant surveillance and pressurized to be otherwise. However, such entrapment in the classic struggle of finances v/s familial, health and recreational needs leads to frustration and helplessness become their second nature.

Examining the effects of an overwhelming home environment, research shows that this tension is greater for those with many children, younger children, caretaking responsibilities of elderly parents, unsupportive family or marital strife. Also, pessimism, introversion and lack of initiative are important personality-based contributors to work-life tussle.

How to strike the work-life balance under such circumstances?

1.   Become Aware and Take Charge: Actively decide how much of work you’ll take home and how much of home you’ll take to work. Find out which mix of self, family and work suits you best. Maintain a temporary journal of how you spend your day for at least a week. Over the weekend, sit down with an open mind to confront yourself over how you’re wasting time that can be otherwise fruitfully used. Try placing a finger on triggers of dissatisfaction. Consider your alternatives and manage your emotions accordingly. For example, you’re into the habit of taking an hour long lunch break irrespective of workload which eventually results in holding you back on that office chair way past 8 o’clock in the evening. The peak hour train rush is something that then frustrates you and makes you cranky back at home.  All this time you’ve been blaming your boss for dumping extra work on you.  But the reflective weekend may propel you to take a shorter lunch break and utilize the train time listening to some soothing music. This is a problem focused coping method. Alternatively, if you love your lunch break dearly, then an emotion focused coping method you can try is to own up the responsibility for working overtime and see it as a choice that YOU ARE making and not someone else.

2. Say No: Enlist all the things you expect doing in a day and set them in their descending level of importance. You may realize that certain priorities are constantly pinned to the top of that list and when time comes to compromise on them, you are distressed. These are the priorities that are non-negotiable. If picking up your toddler from kindergarten at the end of the day is excessively gratifying for you then don’t take up a job that doesn’t allow you that kind of freedom. Certain non-negotiables should be organized around the needs of other people. Turn off social media notifications when at work and attach a ‘no-call unless emergency’ message at the end of your official emails when off on a family vacation. With time, we ourselves and those around us will fall in place with the structure that these non-negotiables introduce in our life.

3.   Mindful Timeouts: Everyone tells us to give our fullest potential to work. But we often fail to remind ourselves to not feel guilty when we take a break. We are humans, not machines. If our brain sincerely is at work for 1 hour then it deserves a 5 minute ‘me time’. However, when we take this break, we are physically scrolling through social media or chatting with a coworker but mentally we are fretting over how we have so much work to do. Thus, mentally you’re never ‘on a break’ and so each time you will return to work with diminished motivation and productivity. Don’t do that.

Thus, there are many ways in which we can try to create work-life balance at a personal level even if company policies don’t favor it. However, it is important to realize that sometimes imbalance is inescapable. Sad but true, it is increasingly becoming okay to disrupt personal life over work life but not vice versa. When you can’t make both the ends meet, quit being a superhero and learn to delegate your responsibilities. You’re not ‘lazy’ if you ask your brother to get the bike repaired while you’re working on an upcoming presentation. In similar current scenarios, a heart-to-heart conversation with loved ones to discuss your feelings and lending an empathic ear to their emotional venting can go a long way in preserving familial peace which shall ultimately spillover into peace at work.  

The Abuser, the Abusee and the Collateral Damage

Home is more than just a four letter word referring to four walls holding up a roof together. Home is a feeling. Home is where your heart is. Home is where your family is. Home is where you’re free to be as it is. Home is where peace of mind and security is…Or at least is supposed to be.

According to the National Family Health Survey (NFHS-4) as released by the Union Health Ministry, every third woman has reported facing some kind of domestic violence since the age of 15 in India.

As per the World Health Organization(WHO) Reports, 30% of all women worldwide have reported that they have experienced some kind of physical/sexual violence by their intimate partner in their lifetime.

Key word to note here: reported.

The high standing walls of home that help you to shut out the outside world for good can be the very reason why the data about actual prevalence of family violence is kept under wraps. The idea of home as a private space is so deeply ingrained that neither the victim nor the neighbors can muster the courage to breach this notion.

Domestic violence is now an umbrella term used to refer to all kinds of physical, sexual, economic, emotional and psychological violence and threats carried out by an intimate partner/spouse. Unfortunately, even today only a black eye and broken bones are believed to be justified reasons to leave your partner. Men can be at the receiving end too, but more often than not, it is women who undergo this ordeal.

The Batterer

If everyone hit their spouse when they were angry, then all of us would have permanent beds booked 

in a hospital.

Domestic violence is not a result of anger issues. Abuse is always meant to establish a standing about “who is the boss” and create fear in the mind of the victim to serve as a reminder of the same. Very often than not, the perpetrators are from a violent family background themselves, have poor impulse control, fragile self esteem, low tolerance threshold for criticism and a sense of entitlement stemming from self-pity and societal norms. Bottom-line, the batterer is wounded in the first place. We tend to hurt others when we are hurt. But where do we draw the line?

The Battered

 “Why doesn’t the victim just leave?” Because this is easier said than done.

 Statistics have shown that men are more likely to kill their battered wives when they leave the relationship as this is an unforgivable insult to their ego and a sign of loss of control. Thus, if it is safer to stay and suffer than to leave and have a murderer hunt me down then why would I take the risk? The matter is only complicated by the fact that most victims are still in love with the “good side” of their husband.

Typically, the cycle of violence dictates that tension rises, abuse occurs, apologies are initially made by the batterer and silence is maintained until next episode erupts. Thus, this calm before the storm is what keeps most women hoping. Also, many abusers very cunningly during the phase of ignorance sever the woman’s social ties under the pretext of “wanting to have her all for himself.” This creates dependence on my part and allows the batterer establish monopoly on my support system. Plus, if this strategy of “cute jealousy” doesn’t work then a good smacking combined with threats for life ensures that I don’t cry for help.

Half the job of keeping violence low key is done by the society. The burden of “saving the marriage” is squarely on my shoulders as a woman as my honor and that of my family is tied with the “married” status. Not only this, but financial dependence on the male members in a patriarchal society along with bearing children of the batterer is another driving force behind women taking abuse in stride.

Such abuse can take a blow at the woman’s sense of self till the point of self doubt, shame and guilt at being unable to protect oneself. In this highly vulnerable period, the perpetrator has the power to convince me that ‘I asked for it’ and that ‘I deserve it’. When the abuser even has control over the victim’s mind, then is leaving really a choice?

The Third Party: Children

Children learn through observation. According to Dr. Sigmund Freud, around 6 years of age, boys come to identify themselves with their fathers and girls with their mothers. So, even though the child must have resented the violent relationship of his/her parents, this explains why the son is more likely to grow up to be a perpetrator and the daughter a victim of marital violence. Children who witness wife battering often confuse pain for love. Case in point, they come to view violence as a legitimate method of conflict resolution. This gets them in trouble at school. They may turn out to be bullies or get bullied and often exhibit low self esteem and poor academic performance. They have difficulty establishing close relationships because of their insecure attachment style with their parents and may in fact turn out to be needy and attention seeking. They are so starved for love at home that they may accept any person willing to offer affection. However, this in turn frequently lands them into abusive relationship and increases their chances of engaging in reckless sexual behavior. They use avoidance as a coping style and are hyper vigilant at detecting danger. In the long run, these children may find themselves caught in the crosshairs when their parents fight and may start feeling guilty for being so helpless. Sometimes, the aggression towards the abusive parent may increase to the point that they may strike out to show delinquency. Overall, because of their experiences, these children have higher than normal likelihood of experiencing depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), substance abuse and personality disorders.

However, research shows that children raised in violent homes turn out to be resilient if they have at least one supportive, caring and warm individual in their life. So, look around. Be aware. Try being that one person who can teach these children the true meaning of love. Go ahead, spread kindness around like confetti!

The 7 Faces of Love

What is love?

All of us must have stumbled upon this reflective question at some point in our lives—it could have been on a lonely night, crying on the bathroom floor over a broken heart or just while your earphones were plugged in on a train ride home; with friends on a tipsy night when you had too much to drink or on seeing your childhood pal taking his/her wedding vows; watching your partner softly snore by your side on a sleepless night or simply as a matter of philosophical debate with your parents on a Sunday afternoon.

Although psychology is far from providing a technical definition of love, the work of some researchers has very well illuminated the direction in which to look while trying to understand what comprises of love. To this end, psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, in particular, has proposed the Triangular Theory of Love.  He states that love is not just love but instead is made up of 3 pillars that can metaphorically serve as the three vertices of a triangle, namely: Intimacy, Passion and Commitment.

Intimacy is a purely emotional part of love. We often mistake intimacy for solely meaning physical closeness between two loving souls—something that can’t get out of the bedroom. However, intimacy as a part of Sternberg’s theory refers to a special emotional connect with your partner—it is the bonding, sharing, communication and ‘stand-by-me’ aspect of a romantic relationship. So when you say “We’re friends before lovers”, it is the shared intimacy you’re pointing out. Naturally, intimacy grows slowly at first, picks up pace on the way and ultimately settles down along with your settling relationship. However, when intimacy starts to fade and the feeling of your partner giving you an “emotional cold shoulder” starts increasing, the relationship is set on its way downhill unless handled otherwise in time. In fact, sometimes intimacy is casually taken for granted until the crisis hour strikes (e.g. job loss or death of a parent) making you realize how much care, support and warmth of belongingness is radiated by your special someone.

Passion is the emotional and physiological motivation that drives love. This is in fact the component which largely deals with physical attractiveness and sexual arousal. It is what makes us want to have our partner around all the time. It is what forms the basis of ‘love at first sight’. As expected, passion blooms rapidly but only as quickly does this balloon deflate. The increased intensity of positive emotions like excitement and ‘feeling fireworks when they touch you’ eventually wear you out. This wearing out marks the end of the honeymoon phase after which the very throwing of a wet towel on bed after bathing turns from cute to annoying i.e. the areas that you turned a blind eye to start glaring you in the face like harshly bright sunshine.

Commitment is the cognitive factor of love. It refers to both: confessing of your true feelings and hoping for a mutual ‘yes’ in response to the proposal as well as the readiness to put in efforts that are required for long lasting maintenance of love. Yes, it is what makes you a couple. As expected, commitment increases gradually at first, rapidly later and eventually levels off with time. However, if you hit a rough patch and the topic of break-up starts hovering every fight that you have, then the level of commitment is bound to decline or even diminish completely resulting in parting of ways with your partner.

According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the three elements can be combined in various ways to give rise to different types of love. To begin with, nonlove is a state in which all three i.e. intimacy, passion and commitment are absent. For example, your relationship with a classmate you don’t really chat with can be characterized as one being of nonlove.

The seven types of love specifically prescribed by this theory are:    

          1. Liking:  This face of love essentially emphasizes on the intimacy element and is marked by a complete absence of passion and commitment. What do you call a person with whom you have established a comfort zone so strong and deep that you can tell them everything that is on your mind without showing romantic interest as such? A friend, of course!

        2. Infatuation: That special someone sure gives you “butterflies in your stomach” but isn’t someone who knows your deepest secrets or someone you can imagine yourself with 10 years down the line. When love involves a lot of passion but zero intimacy or commitment then it is called infatuation. Our teenage years are often marked by such love that is gone with the wind.

     3. Empty Love: One look at a traditional arrange marriage in India where the bride and groom hardly know each other before tying the knot and you know that the relationship is singularly sailing

on the boat of commitment (familial, financial or social) without the life guards of intimacy or passion. Sure, the absentees may come along the way as you invest yourself more and more in the marriage but not necessarily.

     4. Romantic Love: This kind is a sum of intimacy and passion minus the sense of commitment. It makes you see your life in rosy hues, la vie en rose. However, the only catch here is that since you are not focused on seeing a future of this relationship, it might not be a long one.

     5.  Fatuous Love: When the high of passion is so overriding that it makes you commit to a person that you hardly know, it is called fatuous love. The surprising wedding invitation of a friend you know is clearly going through a rebound from a bad relationship or seeing Ross and Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S getting married at a chapel in Las Vegas while being intoxicated are good examples of this kind of love. It clearly lacks insight and judgment on the part of the                                                                                            partners.

     6. Companionate Love: When we look up to our middle-aged parents managing several chores and executing endless responsibilities without really showing the young love for wanting to do things exclusively with their spouse and preferring family vacations over private weekends, what do we see? It is companionate love that is a combination of years-long intimacy and commitment with passion that has more or less taken a backseat.

     7. Consummate Love: When “I want to grow old with you” materializes into “I have grown old with you” with a perfectly personalized mix of intimacy, passion and commitment, we have the ideal form of love i.e. consummate love.

Thus, as we see, there are no well defined proportions of Sternberg’s Love Triangle. Love comes wrapped in different colored papers and vivid ribbons for all of us. There is no hard-and-fast rule that your relationship must fit into one of the 7 types. You can have blurring boundaries or even dynamic ones. It is quite possible for you to escalate from liking to romantic love to a satisfyingly consummate relationship or fall from fatuous love to an empty one to simple liking. 

Have you found which of these different faces fit your relationship the best? 

Somewhere in the Rat Race

"Who was the first man to step on the moon? Neil Armstrong, obviously! We all know that, but who was the second man? Don't waste your time. It's not important. Nobody ever remembers the man who came in second."

"A cuckoo bird never makes its own nest. She lays eggs on other birds’ nests. And when her babies come to the world, what do they do first? They kick out the other eggs from the nest. Competition over! Their life begins with murder. That's nature. Compete. Or die."

"Remember - Life is a race. If you don't run fast enough, someone will overtake you and move faster."

These dialogues by Virus (Boman Irani) in the film 3 Idiots very well struck a chord with the masses. And, why not? We all relate to the hard-end competition they encase. However, when we hear the song “Give me some sunshine” in the same film followed by the suicide of a young engineering student who gave up in the face of this never ending pressure to succeed, our hearts melt away.

Competition is cruel, yes. But that is the only way forward that we humans know. And what is wrong in being ambitious? Of course, being on the top feels great! Yet, on the way to the pinnacle of our life, we often muddle the word “our” for “the” i.e. we no longer want to achieve our fullest potential; rather, we join the “rat race” to achieve the socially prescribed ideal of a successful life. Competition essentially paves way for comparison. And most of us fall into this trap of comparison some time or the other.

“Self esteem refers to our personally evaluated feelings of worthiness.” *

Unfortunately, the condition applied by the asterisk mark here is that our personal evaluation is always tinted by the benchmark that comparable others provide. All of us are guilty for engaging in some amount of self depreciation after drawing comparisons with others in regards of at least one thing—looks, money, social connections, status, intelligence, romantic partners, job profile, our child’s grades, etc. However, we risk lowering our self esteem when we put ourselves down by making such upward comparisons with ideals that are unrealistically high to achieve for one’s standards. For instance, as a new Blogger, if I am to compare myself to the authors on the blogs of Psychology Today and wish to obtain the kind of readership they have immediately after the two blogs that I have posted, then I am likely to look forward to dejection.

The opposite of upward comparison is downward comparison whereby we try to boost our self esteem by drawing comparisons with those who have less of something that we have. Don’t we all

have those pesky relatives who would call you the moment your Board Exam result is out to brag about how well their kid did in comparison to you? This is their psyche compelling them to give in to the human instinct to compare and feel good about their success in a competition. As mentioned in my first blog post, anything that is scarce is regarded as valuable by us. Thus, as the no. 1 position can be filled by only one person, all of us compete to obtain that position.  Anyone who does better or worse than us then becomes the target of comparison.

Very often when we become preoccupied with people who do worse off than us, we may not feel invigorated enough to push ourselves out of our comfort zone. Downward comparison gives birth to over confidence in some cases. It may even make us feel so superior to others that we lose the empathic touch with those who are underprivileged. However, an inflated ego is just as dangerous as a deflated one. Deflated ego may make you feel undeserving, incapable, paralyzed and depressed. Similarly, an inflated ego creates the sense of entitlement in a narcissist and is the driving force of a bully’s mind. In both the cases, there is a severing of social ties as withdrawal is a common symptom of both upward and downward comparison.

How to fight against this urge to compare?

1.   Mindfully choose what and how much you see on social media

Out of sight, out of mind! However, it would be unrealistic to wish that social media didn’t exist. We feed ourselves humongous amount of information that can be used to make envious comparisons by mindlessly scrolling through our Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat feeds day in and day out. There is no point in deleting these apps because their spread is so wide that you will somehow, anyhow land up staring at a screen into an edited version of a friend’s life. What you need to do instead is to consciously decide on the content you watch, the amount of time you invest in doing so, reflect on your feelings related to the content, and actively change your perception about the consumed material. We all know that only the happy snippets of our life find their way onto these platforms because we ourselves don’t let others peer into the dark parts of our life. Hence, no one is perfect. Try to find your own perfect without external validation.

2.   Use yourself as a yardstick:

Making comparisons is inescapable because of the positive feedback it provides to our brain every time we turn out to be better off than others. Thus, instead of comparing yourself to others, turn inward and compare your current self to your past self or your ideal self. If you’ve been able to lose those extra 10 kgs due to your sheer dedication to exercising and diet then look at an old picture of yourself than that of a super model. You’ll feel better and justifiably rewarded. Also, if you happen to change for worse, then it is much easier to accept this downfall when you draw comparisons to your previous self than an outside other. This is because such a comparison will provide you hope that you definitely have it in you to revert back to that already achieved ideal.

3.  Upside to upward comparison:

Try to find inspiration in those who do better than us. For instance, among other things, one of the motivators for me to start writing this blog was seeing my friend Nabila Damra start her own food blog, SnackoMeter. I had the alternative of sulking over how others are doing what they wished to do after graduation but I chose to take pride in my friend’s success and use it as a source of inspiration to take action on my own long desired contemplations. Also, research has found that we are encouraged by looking up to those who do slightly better as opposed to those whose achievements seem out of reach for us.

4. Count your blessings:

Unleash gratitude each time you find yourself doing better than others because you might complain about not having shoes but look around, there are people who don’t have feet! Also, it is important to remember that not everyone can be good at the same thing. So, you might not be a straight A grade student but you definitely have other talents to discover and furnish. It is only foolish to compare apples to oranges.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Now knowing the tricks to keep this thief at bay, neither steal nor let your joy be stolen by it.